Understanding people in their relationships
Every person lives in relationships.
We are in relationships with our partners, our children, parents, friends, colleagues, or people who have shaped us throughout our lives. Some of these relationships support and enrich us. Others challenge us or leave traces that influence our thinking, feeling, and acting to this day.
But our most important relationship stays with us a lifetime:
the relationship with ourselves.
She too is alive. She changes, evolves, and sometimes loses her balance.
Everyone knows situations in which different wishes or needs are felt simultaneously: The desire for closeness – and for freedom. The desire for security – and for change. The desire to meet others' expectations – and at the same time to go your own way. Or the desire to let go – even though another part still wants to hold on.
Many people initially experience such inner tensions as contradictions. From a systemic perspective, however, they are part of being human. This is because we are not one-dimensional beings. Our experience arises from the interplay of different experiences, beliefs, needs, feelings, and values. Sometimes they complement each other. Sometimes they seemingly oppose each other.
Thinking systemically therefore means not prematurely resolving this complexity, but first wanting to understand it.
A person is more than a single problem.
When people seek support, a specific burden is often at the forefront: a conflict. A crisis. A decision. Exhaustion. Recurring difficulties in relationships. Or the feeling of getting into similar situations again and again.
The more burdensome a problem becomes, the more our focus tends to narrow exclusively to that one issue. The problem seems to define the whole person. Yet no one is his problem.
Every person has a unique life story, along with their own set of skills, values, experiences, hopes, and relationships. At the same time, every person carries within them different inner voices that don’t always want the same things. It is precisely this inner diversity that makes us human.
Systemic work, therefore, is concerned not only with the problem itself, but also with the person experiencing that problem—with everything that makes them who they are.
This is because, often, something fundamental changes when difficulties are no longer viewed in isolation but are seen in their broader context.
What does „systemic“ mean?
The term "systemic" describes no single method and no rigid treatment concept. It primarily describes an attitude. An attitude that assumes people can never be understood in isolation from their relationships.
This involves much more than just family or romantic relationships. A person navigates various systems simultaneously: social relationships, the professional environment, cultural contexts, and their own life story.
Similarly, every person forms their own internal system. Thoughts influence feelings. Feelings influence physical reactions. Experiences shape expectations. Values influence decisions. Decisions change relationships. And relationships, in turn, affect our experiences.
Everything is interconnected.
Therefore, systemic work focuses not on individual events or supposed causes, but on the contexts in which they arise and change. This understanding forms a central fundamental idea of systemic theory.
New perspectives open up new opportunities
In everyday life, we often look for clear explanations: Who started it? Who is right? What is the cause?
These questions are understandable. At the same time, they often fall short. Especially in interpersonal relationships – and likewise in dealing with ourselves – there are rarely simple cause-and-effect relationships.
For example, someone who longs for change may also feel fear of the unknown. Someone who longs for closeness may fear losing their independence in the process. Someone who takes on responsibility sometimes wishes, at the same time, for a break from it.
None of these perspectives are wrong. They tell different sides of the same story.
Systemic work therefore always and essentially invites us to broaden our perspective. Not to determine which viewpoint is the right one. But rather to understand how different perspectives arise and what new possibilities open up when they are related to each other.
Change begins where connections become visible
Many people hope that their situation will change as soon as the problem goes away. Systemic work takes a different starting point. Here, we assume that lasting change begins when connections are understood.
When we begin to see how thoughts, feelings, needs, relationships, and past attempts at finding solutions are all interconnected, new possibilities for action often emerge. Not because everything suddenly becomes easy—but because new perspectives emerge.
From a systemic perspective, change rarely arises from pressure or from attempts to optimize oneself. Rather, it emerges when people begin to view themselves and their relationships with greater clarity, more understanding, and a newfound openness.
Because whoever recognizes connections often discovers possibilities that were not visible before. That, for me, is the core of systemic work: not to give premature answers. But rather to create a space together where new questions can arise—and from which new answers can grow.